What I have found is that some of you don't like to hear how things are REALLY going with me personally when I write out in the open like this ... it is, after all, an open diary! I have let you into some really emotional things that have happened, experiences that I have had, and thoughts that come across my mind.
(I'm not going to change how I've been expressing myself... I'm being honest with you and myself and I totally want you to see how God is working on refining me. Things like this aren't supposed to be a walk in the park and I need to be able to share myself with my friends and family - it's because you love me and I love you!)
What you do need to know, is that I'm fine - I really am - I think we all go on a bit of a roller coaster ride from time to time and we don't share these interpersonal feelings with one another, so when I do tell you about a situation, I get a lot of email feedback. Don't get me wrong, I love feedback and seeing comments, but you have to understand that this is an incredibly trying time for me, too.
My close friend and I describe what we're going through as a wilderness. When I was home last month and spoke to my pastor, he even stated that when I do come out of this wilderness that I'm in, that I will be able to turn around and finally see the trees - each one will represent a specific time, place, situation, or experience and I'll be able to see the wilderness as a whole - but through the trees. At this point, I wish I could chop a couple of those trees down.
For those of you who have asked, yes, I have come out of my Post-Iowa Funk after visiting last month. It lasted a lot longer that I had anticipated, but I've finally gotten back into the swing of things with work, church, and personal things that needed to be addressed. My mind had been clouded emotionally for too long and that veil is being lifted... I feel a sense of peace with a couple of decisions that had to be made and a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders just in this past week.
I went out with some friends last night and while we were talking, I thought about how God brought us together. Isn't it ironic that a year and a half ago, I was so worried about moving because I wouldn't know anybody? And here I was, in the middle of a group of 10 strangers, sharing my life - but they're my friends now - I felt safe with them. While we were out, I had another friend from church texting me asking me to come spend time with her and her boys at the drive-in... what? I'm getting invited places?! Who would have thought? By no means is this journey I'm on over, but I am seeing the true heart and intentions of people that I've become to know while being here.
The same is true for my bible study group that meets on Tuesday nights. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I love these ladies - we marvel at God's perfect timing and the structure that He has just for us. You have me (an Iowa hay seed), our group leader is from Nebraska, another woman is from Ohio, my friend from Illinois, and another woman from New Jersey, all sitting around the same table in California learning about the 'Experience of God' and capitalizing on our new found relationship with one another. Seriously, how cool is that?! He brought us together for a perfect reason and I'd like to humanly try to figure it out and say it's because they're all like a 'mom' to me, but I believe it's much deeper than that... we are all learning something new from one another and it is so awesome.
I even chuckled today as I met up with a new friend down in Elk Grove early this morning. While we were at this place talking, an old coworker of mine came in - somewhere WAY out of the way for me (and for her as well), but here I am in this HUGE state and I'm seeing people that I know! I didn't leave until early afternoon and on the drive back up to my place, I kept thinking to myself, "I'm living in California... I'm seeing people that I know in the most random places....and God totally has my back." Talk about comforting.
Changes are taking place and the trees are being shaken....