I have to admit that I am being shaken right now...there is some sort of spiritual warfare going on in my heart and I don't like it one bit.
Over the weekend I started reading a new book that is giving me quite a few "A-HA!" moments - like how to recognize that feeling of suppression that comes on our hearts when we ask God for a change. I want to change. I want to denounce the ugly feelings of desolation that keeps rearing it's ugly head and telling me that I'm not 'good enough' or that I'm all 'alone' when really, I know deep down that I'm not.
This whole breaking up thing is for the birds. I hate becoming attached to somebody just to have them leave. (Granted, this break-up was pretty mutual for the most part.)
I'm tired of having this pit in my stomach and emotions going all over the board trying to tell me that I'm ok with it, or that I'm in a better place, or that he just wasn't 'the one', and it's alright to remain friends. Is it really??
This is the first time in my life that I have tried this 'friend' thing with somebody and there are days where I like it and some days (like today) that I don't. I shouldn't look at him and want to burst out crying (I'm visualizing cartoons where their mouths are open really wide and tears are squirting out like a sprinkler..). But then again, I feel like I appreciate him more now than when I did when we were in a relationship...why or how is that even possible?
He was my family. He was my friend. He was the one that I turned to for everything this past year. And now he's going to the place that I called home for 32 years without me so he can work for the next couple of days. I wanted to take him there to meet MY family, to meet MY friends, and show him where I was raised. I guess there is a little bit of jealousy going on or something.
I really wanted this to work with him, but it didn't and sometimes it's hard to move on. Especially when you have PMS.
Now that I completely got off the subject, my book is talking about how we are able to take on others' feelings and anguish through that little gnarly demon that is oh, so cunning. We may be trying to help and really praying for people that have asked us to step in and pray for them - so we do.
The author was trying to get at how we need to counsel God first and ask Him what we need to be praying for that particular individual because He may just want us to give it all over to Him and not try to make that other person 'feel' better because we can't do it all... so what happens is that we start internalizing their problems and empathizing over the top with them. The devil starts to see this as a maybe a weakness of our own and then swoops in to really tear us apart.
Hence, my spiritual warfare.
I have a couple of very close people in my life going through some really crappy things and being so far away and not exactly able to 'help', I'm beginning to feel this weight that they are also carrying.
It's that tightness in your throat, the heaviness on your chest, and the urge to cry at the drop of a hat. Check, got it. This is why I think that I'm also being attacked by these break up feelings all over again... I was doing fine (seriously, maybe a little too fine), then some jerk of a spirit told me that I wasn't going to be able to find anybody who would love me again and that I would end up being all alone anyway. Liar.
To all of you reading this, please lift your little CA Girl up in a word of prayer - I don't see my bible study group anymore because we're taking the summer off and this is where they would come in. I need YOU to help me through this - I need to let go of these feelings that I'm still holding on to with the ex boyfriend... I want to turn my thoughts away from what could have been, what did I do wrong, why didn't it truly work out, does he still think about me, would we ever get back together, blah blah blah to more meaningful thoughts on what lies ahead and what is in store for me.
I believe it's going to be good... I really do. I just need help getting through this muck for now.