After I wrote about my mom, missing her, and all of that other fluffy stuff, I started to second guess what in the world I'm doing out here. I miss my family, friends, familiarity, and normality of where I was comfortable. I stepped out on a huge leap of faith because I really felt God leading me this way...has anybody seen Him? He seems to have dropped me off in Sacramento and left. I feel like He has slipped away quietly in the dark of night - not like my parents did when they dumped me off at college, honking the horn and mom yelling, ''Oh boy, she's GONE! Wee Hoo! She's finally out of the house! YAAAY!'' honk, honk (true story).
Ever felt like the outcast somewhere? Like nobody notices you're around? I feel that way now and I don't like it. I want to throw my hands up in the air and say, "Look, I'm new here. Will somebody pleeeease be my friend? I will buy you an ice cream cone as long as you sit and talk to me." It's not that I haven't made friends because I have - they're at work though. I love the people that I work with and find myself really looking forward to spending 8 hours in the same building as them, but once time is up and everybody goes home for the night, they have families and a life they've been living for years. I have a room with the same four white walls that have been here for the last two months. This feels like a long, drawn out vacation and I'm just ready to come home so somebody will hug me and tell me that they're glad to see me.
However, this is what I 'signed up' for months ago and knew that I would go through some rough patches, squirting eyes, and an aching heart. Check - right on schedule.
I started feeling this way one week ago on Saturday for no apparent reason... I went to church to enjoy my little bag of popcorn, listen to a jam out session by Lincoln Brewster, and to hear to Pastor Johnston's sermon. He's been doing a series called The 7 Best Decisions You'll Ever Make and we were in week three. Coincidence that I was in attendance? I think not. I've learned a lot from the last few talks he's done and last weekend was a bit of a turning point in my sadness, you could say.
REFUSE TO SETTLE FOR LESS THAN GOD'S BEST...this was the title in my pamphlet and Pr. Johnston talked about David facing Goliath. (There was no visual with Fritz on stilts this time around, though). In order for us to experience God's best for your life, he talked about focusing not on our problems (like me being homesick), but to focus on our future rewards and God's past faithfulness. So I figured that if He was able to get me out here safely, find a place to live, and get a job, all within 6 days of each other, He will be able to provide me some sort of assurance that things will be ok here before long.
Looking back to David, his commitment to God's cause was greater than his commitment to his personal comfort. So even though I am a bit out of my comfort zone right now, I am trying my hardest to focus on my future rewards. Instead of running away from the problem, God advises us to run toward our destiny. Pretty powerful stuff to hear in a 50 minute sermon, but it was what I needed to hear, for sure.
When the words of 'I'm all alone' come into my mind, I have to remind myself that "The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5. Even though I feel like He's out taking joy rides on the trollies over in The City, I need to take comfort in the fact that He has not left me alone.
For those of you that I have talked to on the phone and emailed this past week, thank you so much for your words of encouragement, prayers, and thoughtfulness. I knew this wasn't going to be easy and though I've wanted to throw in the towel, I'll be sticking it out - at least until the next pity party!
There is a reason that I'm here and I'm excited to find out what it is - just wish it would hurry up and come :)
(Hey, patience has never been one of my virtues).
** You will never possess what you are unwilling to pursue **